Who Dreams up These, Dirty, Nasty, Filthy Named Cocktails

The Holiday season is upon us once again, so I thought I’d touch upon the absurd by reposting my list of Dirty, Nasty, Filthy Named Cocktails. So for all of you trendsetters, here is a list of all those unbelievably named drinks you’ve been curious about and how to make them. 

Perfect for those of you who are throwing a party and want to serve drinks that are bound to start a conversation, or are in a festive but naughty mood or are just plain randy, this list is bound to spread cheer as well as your legs.    

 

Slippery Bald Beaver

 

Ingredients  

1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
1 oz Bailey’s® Irish cream
1/2 oz strawberry puree 

Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice. Shake until ice cold. Pour into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass, and serve.

 

Definitely not the drink you order when you are out with the guys to watch the Fall Classic. Maybe, just maybe, it is acceptable to get a few shots of these if you run into a cougar, and you are looking for a sexually suggestive drink name that will simultaneously make a woman laugh, and alter the direction of your evening.

 

Bend Over Shirley

Ingredients  

1 1/2 oz raspberry vodka
4 oz Sprite® soda

3/4 oz Rose’s® grenadine syrup

Fill a 12oz. glass with cubed ice. Add 1.5 oz. of Raspberry Vodka. Add Sprite, and top off with Grenadine. Garnish with two Maraschino Cherries.

Not the drink that you order at Grandma’s 80th Birthday. I don’t care if it is open bar at the fancy ballroom that your parents and aunts and uncles rented out for her, and even if there is no one in ear shot. You can’t let anyone in your family find out that you drink beverages named this way.

 

Butt Sex

Ingredients  

2 oz strong black coffee
1 oz vodka
1 oz triple sec
1/3 oz lemon juice

Fill with whipped cream

Start with the coffee, preferably espresso. Add in the vodka, triple sec and lemon juice (lime juice can be used instead) and stir. Top with the whipped cream.

 Butt Sex. See Bend Over Shirley.  

 

Suck, Bang & Blow!   

Ingredients  

1 oz Jacquin’s® orange flavored gin
1 oz Rumple Minze® peppermint liqueur
2 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps
1 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur
3 oz Jose Cuervo® Especial gold tequila
1 oz Hpnotiq® liqueur
1 oz Smirnoff® vodka
1 oz Absolut® Citron vodka
1 oz Aristocrat® triple sec
1 peeled, whole lime
5 oz strawberry daiquiri mix
2 cups cranberry juice
1 cup sugar

Add all ingredients to a blender with ice, and blend until smooth. Pour into a hurricane glass, and serve.

 As this name would indicate, this drink is a whole lot of fun. Just look at that ingredients list. This would probably be my last drink if I were on my way to rehab (literally drinking this while driving there), as well as If I were just about to be put down via lethal injection.

 

Ass 

Ingredients

1 oz Absolut® vodka
1 splash DeKuyper® Sour Apple Pucker schnapps 

Almost-fill a shot glass with Absolut vodka. Top off with a splash of DeKuyper’s sour apple pucker, and serve. 

This is the kind of drink that you can joke with your friends in a innocent pre-party environment. You just don’t want to be caught yelling for ass at the bar later that night.

 

Sex on My Face

Ingredients  

1/2 oz Yukon Jack® Canadian whisky
1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum
1/2 oz Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1/2 oz banana liqueur
1 splash cranberry juice
1 splash pineapple juice
1 splash orange juice
Mix in tall glass w/ice. 

 

This is a drink you may want to be caught yelling for at the bar, especially if the bartender is attractive, humorous and you actually have a chance with her. Most likely though, she’s just flirting with you to get better tips and you’ve just been put in her mental file bin labeled “creepy guy”.

 

 

The Blow Job

Ingredients  

1/2 oz anisette
1/2 oz Irish cream 

Layer in a shot glass; Irish cream on top, and serve. 

 

Who doesn’t love blow jobs? As emmasculating as this drink sounds and looks when someone is taking one, you can’t deny that they are fun. Maybe it’s just fun to hear girls say “it”.

 

Screaming Orgasm 

Ingredients  

1 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz Bailey’s® Irish cream
1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur

Pour first vodka, then Bailey’s, then Kahlua into a cocktail glass over crushed ice. Stir.

Caution: use only high quality vodka. Cheap vodka can cause the Bailey’s to curdle. Test your brand of vodka by mixing 1 Tsp each of vodka and Bailey’s first. 

If only mixing a drink would deliver an “O”, right guys? Well, either way… this is a tasty beverage. Reminds me of a White Russian, but with a better name.

 

The Leg Spreader
 

Ingredients

1 oz 1800® Tequila
1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz rum
Mix in glass and enjoy.

The Leg Spreader. Not just a cleaver name. Everyone knows what happens when Tequila is brought into the mix. You just gotta make sure you don’t drink too much or eat that gross worm the Mexicans put in there.

 

Slippery Nipple
 

Ingredients  

1/2 oz Bailey’s® Irish cream
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
Serve as is.

The Slippery Nipple is a fun drink name to say, but once again you gotta be careful when you order this drink. I went to San Diego and had some Slippery Nipples with a couple of Asian girls last weekend. That is ok. If I were to go play some Golf with my friends from college, however, I’d probably stick to Light Beer. Maybe a Microbrew.

 

Blue Balls
 

Ingredients

1 oz raspberry vodka
1 oz coconut rum
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur 

Pour one part of all three ingredients into a shaker, with ice. Mix well and serve as double shots.

I don’t know when I’d ever want blue balls. I think the only time you’d ever get one of these drinks is if your girlfriend comes back to the booth with shots for you and all of your friends, and she gets everyone else a kamikaze except for you. Instead she gets you a Blue Balls. It’s her clever way of telling you that she might be holding out on you later, if you don’t stop

making fun of her weird ass family. 

 

Afghani Whore 

Ingredients  

4 oz rum
1 can root beer
4 oz vodka
Just pour to taste and enjoy.

Motherfucker Drinks

1. Adios Motherfucker
2. Adios Motherfucker #3
3. Blue MotherFucker
4. Blue MotherFucker #2
5. Cocky Carrot
6. Colorado Motherfucker
7. Colorado Motherfucker #2
8. Fucked Up Motherfucker
9. Happy Birthday Motherfucker
10. Mexican Motherfucker
11. Mongolian Motherfucker
12. Mongolian Motherfucker #2
13. Motherfucker
14. Motherfucker #2
15. Motherfucker Shot
16. New York Motherfucker #2
17. Purple Motherfucker
18. Purple Motherfucker #2
19. Purple Motherfucker #3 

Motherfucker (Original)

Motherfucker, pardon the French, combines two extremely potent liquors, a brand of 160 proof rum and absinthe which is between 100 and 140 proof

Ingredients  

1/2 oz absinthe herbal liqueur
1/2 oz Stroh® 80 rum

  

Pour the two ingredients together in a shot glass (approximately equal amounts, or whichever you would rather have most of). Turn a tall glass upside down, and place it over the shot glass. Have a straw at the ready. Lift the tall glass up slightly, and light the shot glass, before placing the glass back down again, making sure that as little of the fumes can escape as possible. Then inhale the fumes with your straw from the still upside down glass, finishing off by shooting the shot.

Cocky Motherfucker

Ingredients

1/2 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps
1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur

Blue Motherfucker

There’s a  Purple Motherfucker, Green Motherfucker and Yellow Motherfucker. Now a Blue Motherfucker has been spotted in Athens, Georgia and Orlando, Florida. Here’s how it goes.

Ingredients 

3 oz Absolut® Citron vodka
3 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
3 oz sweet and sour mix

Adios Motherfucker

Ingredients 

1/2 oz Smirnoff® vodka
1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz tequila
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
2 oz sweet and sour mix
2 oz 7-Up® soda

 

Ménage a Trois 

Ingredients

1 part Rum, dark

1 part Triple Sec

1 part Cream

Mixing Instructions

Shake equal parts of all ingredients with ice; strain into a cocktail glass. 

 

Hand Job

Ingredients 

1 oz Vodka

1 oz Tequila

1 oz Banana Liqueur

1 oz Irish Cream

 

A Piece of Ass  

1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
fill with sweet and sour mix 

Pour liquors over ice in a glass. Fill with sour mix and serve.

There you have it. Now you are armed and ready to Party.

You know, I wonder. I don’t think I have enough nerve to ask a bartender to fix me an Cocky Motherfucker or a Piece of Ass.

What about you? (wink)

__________________________________________________________________

 

I write books for a living. Here’s my latest, a Political Satire titled, GIRL POWER – War on Women. Woman or Man, if you haven’t read it, you should.

 

Disgusted with politics and the sudden right wing war on women, a group of determined women take matters into their own hands and form a women’s political party. Initially laughed at by the established political parties, they soon change their tune when women and some men begin signing up in droves. GIRL POWER – War on Women is a tongue-in-cheek Political Chick-lit set in an Alternate Reality. It is a mainstream story, based loosely on the Republican ‘War on Women’ that would not appeal to Right of Center readers. 

 

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